For a long time, years, I’ve limited myself by only thinking that I needed/could make highly conceptual art, to the point where it completely removed me from the idea that any art I made was important.
I haven’t sat and drawn or painted in years. It used to be such a useful and cathartic experience for me. Now I sit and think too much about everything I want to say and the process and the methodology behind it. I become so bogged down by it that I let the thoughts dissolve because I can’t handle thinking them through entirely. My endless, and sometimes destructive, quest for blatant honesty and transparency (this post on my “professional” website, for example) is a constant hindrance, both for myself and my relationship with my audience. Sometimes I can hit the mark and get beautiful responses from people, most of the time I just end up being ignored.
I need to sit and paint ‘til two in the morning again. That’s how I became an artist when I was 12 years old. I need to get back to it, to remind myself that I’m still capable of creative output. I keep holding myself back, I keep getting lost in the thought of it all. It only makes sense when I write and I can only write about myself and god that gets boring for your readers.
I miss being able to make beautiful things out of my life, now it’s just words. Bogged down by harsh realities and failed relationships and the constant anxiety of experiencing failure in every single aspect of my life, creative or otherwise. The rut keeps getting deeper and I’m so good at convincing myself that no one gives a damn about what I have to say. And why should they? I don’t even know if I give a damn.
One day I’ll pick up a brush, one day I’ll write something more beautiful than a stupid diary entry that puts everyone who’s ever hurt me on blast for the world to see, one day I’ll really sit and think about where my sense of identity and experience could take my artwork if I just let it, one day I’ll visit a gallery and enjoy looking at art again. Right now it just makes me sick to my stomach.